Worth It?
by JulzPadfootMoony
Summary: When things get out of control with the Mark of Cain and Dean does the unthinkable, he finally gets the chance to go back and do everything right, but there are conditions and sacrifices he's not quite ready to face. Will it be worth it?


**A/N:** Hey guys! This is based on a prompt from the FB page Destiel Forever, which I believe was shared from Tumblr. If you're a Destiel fan and on FB, please come join our group if you haven't already!

Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural! I am writing simply for pleasure and not profit. All rights belong to the CW and creator Erik Kripke!

Warnings: Momentary character death? lol

* * *

_Worth It_

The wind was roaring around the cabin, blowing around anything that wasn't bolted down. The windows had already shattered, and leaves and other debris were swirling around the living room, around Dean and Sam.

Sam was lying on the couch, his skin pale and a bloody wound gaping in his stomach. He wasn't moving. Dean was standing beside the couch holding the first blade, tears streaming down his face, his rage and sorrow causing the sudden hurricane force winds.

"Help me fix this Cas, _please_ help me! I didn't mean to!"

There was a sound of wings, and then Castiel was standing in the doorway of the cabin, shocked into stillness as he took in the scene in front of him. Dean was covered in blood, and it wasn't his own.

"Dean…_Dean_, what did you _do_? Drop the blade!"

Dean turned his head to face the angel, his face screwed up in utter anguish, though his hand was still help firmly around the blade. He was shaking with emotion and rage. Castiel had never seen Dean so broken before, and considering everything they had been through together, that was saying something.

"I told him not to try to stop me, that the Mark was too strong now. I couldn't control it! He got in my way, started trying to take the blade and I…I…Oh God, Cas you _have_ to help me!" Dean wailed, his body wracked with sobs as he looked back down at his little brother's body.

Castiel moved forward slowly, unsure if it was wise to approach Dean in his current state. He got to the edge of the couch, about two feet from Dean, so that he could see the damage done to Sam. There was no doubt – Sam was gone.

"You know I can't bring him back. I'm so sorry Dean, I can't fix this."

"Then go back in time and stop all of this shit from happening! Zach could do it! Why can't you?"

"Because I'm not an arch angel; I don't have the power to bend time. Please just drop the blade, ok? I'm so close to finding Cain, and then we can get the Mark off of you and stop this."

"Fuck Cain! Fuck all of it! If nothing is going to bring Sammy back, then it can have me," Dean growled, the utter rage in his face scaring Castiel, who could have sworn the elder Winchester's eyes had flashed black.

Before Castiel could reply, there was another sound of wings, and suddenly Gabriel was on the other side of the couch, looking sadly down at Sam's body.

"I can take you back, Dean, but you have to understand the consequences before I can do it," Gabriel explained quietly, glancing up at the rage filled man.

Castiel moved forward and gripped Dean's shoulder, against his better judgment. "Don't do it! Messing with time is not a good idea. It could make things worse than they've already been."

Dean gave Castiel a sad smile and gestured down at his brother. "They can't possibly get any worse, Cas. I want to start over. I don't want to do this anymore. I _can't_."

"If I take you back, everything in the last ten years will be reversed. None of it will have happened. Sam will still be at Stanford, your dad will still be searching for Azazel, and you'll still be hunting alone. None of it will have happened, but you're responsible for changing the course of history. If I send you back and you do everything the same, it won't have mattered."

"I won't. I'll leave Sammy the hell alone. I should never have gotten him involved again."

Gabriel held his hand up, as if to say he wasn't done yet. "There's more. None of it will have happened, and no one will remember a thing…except you. You'll remember everything, Dean – _everyone_. Once I take you back and you start changing things, there's no turning back. I won't be able to bring you back. Hell, I won't even remember any of this. Are you sure you want to do this?"

"Dean, please don't, there _has_ to be another way," Castiel begged, turning the man to face him. His expression was desperate as he looked into Dean's eyes, which were dull and defeated.

"Why wouldn't you want me to go back and fix all of this, Cas? If I can make it so that Sam never gets involved and lives his apple pie life with Jess, I'm damn well doing it!" Dean said incredulously.

"Because you'll never have met me, and I won't remember you! You'll remember me…but I won't remember you," Castiel explained, his voice strained as Dean's expression turned to panic once more. Castiel could see the fear and indecision in the man's eyes, and knew what he had to do.

"You're right; who am I to stop you from making things better? Go, Dean. Maybe we'll meet again somehow."

Dean stood staring at the angel who had been such a huge part of his life for the last six years and felt his heart ache and his stomach churn. Could he really go back and erase everything, giving up Cas in the process? He'd remember the angel, remember everything they'd been through, remember how he felt about him, but Cas wouldn't have a clue who he was, even if they did meet again.

But he could save Sam, and even his dad, and probably countless other people. He could fix every stupid mistake he'd made since pulling Sam out of Stanford, make things right for his brother. He would still have the knowledge he did now; if necessary, he could go back and do it all on his own without ever dragging his little brother into it.

Dean felt fresh tears rolling down his cheeks as he finally unclenched his fist and dropped the first blade. He turned to fully face his angel and raised a hand to cup Castiel' cheek. "I'm sorry, Cas, but I have to. Please forgive me. I…I love you," Dean stammered as he pulled the angel close and kissed him firmly on the lips, wrapping his arms tightly around him.

Castiel kissed back with all he was worth, clinging onto Dean even as the man reluctantly pulled away. "I forgive you, Dean. I've always loved you. Go…go on."

Castiel only realized that he had tears streaming down his own cheeks when Dean pulled completely away and turned to Gabriel. He gave one short nod, his jaw set in determination. He glanced back at Castiel, who saw the passion burning in Dean's eyes. That was the last thing he saw before Gabriel snapped his fingers, and everything went black.

Dean woke up to the sound of a laugh he thought he would never hear again. He couldn't remember what had happened last night, but he felt like hammered shit. He slowly opened his eyes and glanced around, looking for the source of the laughter.

"Good morning, son! I guess your father made sure neither you nor Sam would remember Sam's twenty-first birthday."

Dean felt his heart slam into his throat as he clutched his head. He remembered everything. The last thing he remembered was looking into Cas' tear filled eyes. He was going to be sick. But if Gabriel had only sent him back ten years, how was his mom alive?

"Mom?"

Mary Winchester leaned over the back of the couch Dean had passed out on and gave a mischievous smirk. "Would you like some nice greasy sausage and some runny eggs for breakfast? You must have been more drunk than Sam was; he was up an hour ago."

Dean felt a smile stretch across his face as he reached up and grasped his mother's hand in his own. "I missed you."

Mary chuckled as she gave her son's hand a gentle pat. "You were only gone for the weekend, Momma's boy. How about a glass of water and some Aspirin instead? I'll be right back."

Dean laughed as he sat up and watched his mother walk into the kitchen – the kitchen of their old house in Lawrence. He decided it didn't matter how Mary was alive, he wasn't going to look that gift horse in the mouth.

_**~10 Years Later~**_

The park was filled with giggling and hyper children running around the grassy field, chasing after frizzbies and kick balls, or playing tag with their friends and siblings. The sky was a perfect blue with only a few clouds to keep them cool; it was a beautiful day.

Dean was sitting on a blanket that was stretched out in the grass. His not so little brother was sitting beside him, and lying next to him was his gorgeous wife, Jess.

"Uncle Dean! Come chase us!" A little girl with brilliantly blue eyes and pale blonde hair yelled out to him.

"Your Uncle Dean is too old and frail, Cassie," said Sam with a loving smile. He adored his little girl and spoiled her rotten, but Dean was no better.

Dean felt his chest ache at hearing his niece's name, like every other time. Jess and Sam had decided to name their baby girl Cassandra, and often called her Cassie for short. Dean tried to make sure he called her Cassie too, but sometimes slipped up and called her Cas. No one noticed or said anything, but Dean could feel the pain ripping at him from the inside.

It had been ten long and mostly wonderful years since Gabriel had sent him back. Sam had graduated from Stanford Law and married Jess, John Winchester had never disappeared because Mary had never been killed, and Dean had helped him run an auto repair shop after they both vowed to give hunting up. His family always teased him about why he hadn't found himself a nice girl and settled down yet, and Dean would always say he wasn't the type to settle down, and he was glad to just play Uncle to his niece instead.

The truth was that Dean had tried dating over the last few years, but it never turned out well. He could never commit fully to the person he was dating because he still wasn't over Cas. He probably never would be, and he felt that familiar despair clutching at his chest once more.

The most difficult part of all of this was being the only one to remember everything. Sometimes he would mention a memory from his past life to Sam, who would give him a strange look and ask if he was feeling ok. Dean would have to play it off like he was joking. There had been a few close calls, and he had struggled with depression for the last ten years. He knew his family worried for him, not sure how to help him.

Dean couldn't talk to a single soul about any of it. Sometimes he felt so alone, and that was when he would pray to Castiel. He had no idea if the angel ever heard him, but he would pray and pray, tell him how much he missed him, and he hard it had been to try to live this normal life when he knew this wasn't how things had been before. Dean hadn't realized that when Gabriel said it would be his responsibility, how very lonely it would be.

Castiel sighed in annoyance and confusion. He rarely received prayers directly addressed to himself; most of the time when people prayed, it was directly to God. These prayers were filtered through his angels, who did what they could to help the humans in need.

However, there was one man who seemed to always pray directly to Castiel, and his prayers often made no sense to the angel whatsoever. The man would say that he missed Castiel, talk about things that had never happened, and there would be such a strong sense of longing and pain and regret that Castiel would feel compelled to go to this man, but Gabriel always stopped him.

"Is it that Winchester guy again?" Gabriel asked as Castiel flapped his wings in irritation.

"Yes, of course. He is talking about someone named Benny and purgatory. His longing for me is so strong it's palpable. How can a human I have never met long for me? I am not sure if the man is just disturbed or if I am missing something," Castiel explained like he had so many times before.

Gabriel gave his brother a searching look, wondering if the angel would ever uncover the truth. "I don't think you're missing anything, Castiel. The man may have just read your name somewhere and prays to you. He must be deranged."

Castiel shook his head as he listened to the human pray that it was so lonely to remember everything and have no one to talk to, but that it had to be worth it because Sam was happy and had a family. "No, I don't think he is. It's like he knows things no one else does. If I could only go down to earth and speak with him, maybe – "

"No. You know our father does not want you leaving the host for earth, Castiel. We are not to interact directly with humans," said Gabriel.

Castiel just glared at his brother as he tried to push away the strong feelings of longing and pain that this human was sending to him in waves. "You're one to talk. This man is in pain, Gabriel. I only want to help."

"There's nothing to be done. I'm sorry."

Castiel sighed again as he watched his brother leave. He focused once more on the human's prayers and felt his own sort of longing to help this man who seemed to need him, for whatever reason. "I am sorry, Dean Winchester," Castiel whispered as he could hear the tears in the man's voice as he continued to pray.

"It has to be worth it, Cas, it just _has_ to be. Sam is happy and married and has a gorgeous little girl. Mom is alive and dad is so happy. I did this to make everything better, and it has been…for them. I miss you so much though, and there's no one else to talk to. I don't even know if you hear me. You probably think I'm insane if you do because you won't remember anything.

"It was worth it…it was worth it, it _has_ to be," Dean croaked through his tears, the horrible, clawing loneliness tearing open his chest and shredding his heart to pieces. It had to be worth the pain he was in, or else Dean had simply traded one mistake for another. "It was worth it…"

* * *

**A/N:** So, was it worth it? Let me know in a review/comment!


End file.
